she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize