woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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