Your face is a jimmy john
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
honey bunches of taint.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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