I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
