my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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