I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
