i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
organizing the empties. That sober.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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