If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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