She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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