can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
