everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
