She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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