wanna go halves on a baby?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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