I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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