When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
