Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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