GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
