you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
