conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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