she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Randomize
