just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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