did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
