So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
