Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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