I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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