Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize