i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
