Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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