in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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