you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
