jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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