So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
