Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
