Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
