Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Randomize