before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize