I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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