my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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