I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
