Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
