The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
the day after is always just damage control
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
