I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
