This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
