This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
