Who wears a wallet chain?!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
