apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
