Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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