does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
