im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
