You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
