yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
