She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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