in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
