so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
