Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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