wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You took a bar mat shot.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
