Michael Bay diarrhea
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize