I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
