you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I FOUND THE LEGS
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize