I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
How naked do you want me to be?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
