Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
