genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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