so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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