You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
