worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
