i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize